An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
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I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
is this how new cars are made??
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed