If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.