Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months