@TheSomeGuyShow: If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
@wolfpupy: why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it