@TheSomeGuyShow: If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.
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@donni: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Do you know why I stopped? *silence* *a saxophone wails in the distance*
@Rollinintheseat: Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,"I'm in this now."
@david8hughes: *puts spider in the ocean* "Now go free and flourish into an octopus." *cuts girl in half & puts in ocean* "Mermaid probably."
@noog: [aliens talking] "They call it a sel-fee" A photograph of oneself? "Sometimes several" But why? "We have one theory" Go on "They're idiots"