@TheSomeGuyShow: If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.
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@jergarl: [At gang interview] GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang Me: Yep GL: What qualities do you.. M: *Already snapping fingers GL: You're in
@djdarrellripley: After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it "the house"..
@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
@PoliUncorrect: *Crime Scene Cop: (cuffs the dog) Detective: what the hell are you doing? Cop: Sir, I think we're dealing with a shapeshifter