If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
But wait…
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.