If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
the clam before the storm
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
hi why am I like this