in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month