If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.