If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
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It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty