If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.