Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
You Might Also Like
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard