We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away