@omgthatspunny: If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
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@Mr_Kapowski: I woke up angry this morning She doesn’t like when I call her that but I just call it like I see it
@Gooooats: People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald's accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
@AlexRogaski: Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.
@BuckyIsotope: *hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend* WILL YOU MARRY ME *2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later* HELL NO