@Cali_Kid_Mike: If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.
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@suzieQ0007: Most people who think I'm a nice person have no idea that I'd trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
@basit_saeed: When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound: "Please let it be my leg, Lord."
@flashember: [Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist] "He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth." *holds up drawing of Pac-Man* *sobs* THAT'S HIM!
@WilliamRodgers: I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...