Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Sheep
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Livid.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.