if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
You Might Also Like
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.