Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
We found love in a hopeless place.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Stonehinge
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves