I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Trumpy Cat
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣