@SomthinBoutSara: If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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@JKickinit30: [hiding in the bushes] Me:*whispering*they can't see me Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
@ArfMeasures: [after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
@pitbull_wizard: [blind date is waiting nervously at the table] *I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination