If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.