If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.