If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know