If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Cardio Made Easy
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Don’t touch that.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
is this how new cars are made??
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.