*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
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Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Traveler’s camo
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
🤣🤣
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.