If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
You Might Also Like
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
first you must answer his riddles
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Breaking news:
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
✌🏽
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.