If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
How it started: How it’s going:
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.