@awescar: If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.
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@NicCageMatch: The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
@FrogAvalanche: 911: Whats ur emergency? "OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- "-of my sons mouth."
@MariyaAlexander: If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?