I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I hope Alan is OK
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine