Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Why font matters.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?