moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.