If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.