@joshgondelman: If you want to rob a white person, just say: "Stop, collaborate, and listen," then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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@LuvPug: I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
@ChillE_ConCarne: When my child is born I'll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say "Thats my son. The fast one."
@Sassafrantz: [public restroom] Me: We'll have to go some place else, it says "unavailable" Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you
@causticbob: I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.