If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Ken is short for chicken
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁