If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.