If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them