If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Ken is short for chicken
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment