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ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
happy mother’s day❤️
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about