I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!