whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
#parenting
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I have so many questions.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.