If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Knock Knock
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”