doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Day 2 of my diet
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*