I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Based Erika
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?