The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Seek kebab; not attention
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.