If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.