If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Autocorrect completely socks