Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
it be like that
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.