If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Finished stitching this today 😇
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.