@vikkaroni: If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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@KatieBurnett: Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald's pick up an appropriate amount of napkins - you're cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
@LoveNLunchmeat: So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage... But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
@RobinMcCauley: Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
@Terry_maximo: [funeral] *walks up to give eulogy* *pulls notes out of pocket* "Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails." *folds notes* *sits back down*