If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”