If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
#Caturday
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you