@KalvinMacleod: If you would have told me 20 years ago that I'd be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what's an internet.
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@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."
@ShortSleeveSuit: [blind date] Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS Her: Hi, I’m Linda Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
@StrugglesBGbb: My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband.
@JohnnyCrash5: Getting a woman: 1.Select the woman u like 2. Lick her face 3. She is now yours take her home HAHAHAHAHAHA I've been arrested 10 times