@KalvinMacleod: If you would have told me 20 years ago that I'd be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what's an internet.
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@Brianhopecomedy: I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I'll look before I lie down on the couch.
@MartaEffing: My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the market buying cereal and I thought, 'I agree with his priorities.'
@shariv67: God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.
@cat_whisperer_: Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.