If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
From Facebook just now…
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos