Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”