If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.