If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The game has officially changed 😎
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years