@BigHeb7: If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can't be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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@david8hughes: Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas
@aRealLiveGhost: anti-tattoo people saying "my body's a temple" like they wouldn't worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
@onion_an: 1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
@Rollinintheseat: *spelling bee* "Your word is disaster." "Can you use it in a sentence?" "That outfit you're wearing looks like a natural disaster."