If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.