Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
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(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Sharon I have some bad news
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.