if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
me making someone eat a chip with my mind